“Why Do Fools Fall in Love?” a sermon preached at the Fox Chapel Presbyterian Church on February 15, 2009, by the Rev. Robert Lee Nichols, Jr.
Genesis 2:18-24 and Ephesians 5:21-33
This sermon is about romantic love. After all, it’s the day after Valentine’s Day. All week I’ve been wondering how it would go. I don’t remember ever preaching a sermon on romantic love. God’s love, Christian love, yes. But romantic love, no. And I don’t remember ever hearing one. This filled me with courage at the beginning of the week but more and more as the week went on, trepidation came over me. I can hear you now. Oh, this one’s not going to apply to me. I’m too old, I’m too young. I’m single. I’m married. I’m this or that.
My word to you is, don’t be so sure. Recently I passed a car on Freeport Road with a “Gone Fishin’ bumper sticker and a vanity plate which read: O2BNLUV. The car, a real jalopy, was driven by an old timer. I couldn’t help but look and I noticed he had on his overalls and his John Deere hat. And I want you to know, he was headed this way! You never know.
Why DO fools fall in love? In Roman mythology the answer is because Cupid’s arrows fly. We don’t believe in Greek and Roman gods and goddesses, there is only One Living, True God. But as a symbol and metaphor it works pretty well. We can appreciate Cupid, this mischievous imp who lets fly invisible arrows that strike unsuspecting folk, making them hopelessly lovesick. Sometimes his aim is not that good. But the potion on the arrow is powerful. And it’s almost always unexpected.
Romantic love works kind of like that. Out of nowhere, when you least expect it, when you’re just walking along sleepwalking through your life, WHAM! You’re ambushed by love. It’s one of the most powerful things in all the world. And mysterious. And wonderful.
Our hope today is to try to make sense of it in terms of our faith. How does our faith relate to falling in love? How does romantic love fit into our lives as disciples?
When Cupid’s arrow flies our way, what do we do as Christians?
Act 1 The arrow strikes
Falling in love is unique to each person yet one of the interesting things about it is that it is universal through all cultures. There are not many things that are. But lovers all over the world report much the same experience. Here’s how Pat Love, the author of The Truth About Love, describes it:
There is no experience more magical than falling in love. Coming under the spell of infatuation is considered by many to be the apex of life, and has inspired authors and artists from every culture throughout time. It is an experience humans never seem to tire of and also one that can occur when you least expect it. People have been known to fall in love during an argument, riding on an airplane, serving on jury duty, conversing via e mail, and probably during most life events. Think back to the last time you fell in love. You felt magnetized and full of luscious energy. Just the sight of the person could zap your body with a thousand watt current that transformed you from a reasonably rational, functional adult into a trembling puddle of pure yearning. Your feelings went beyond words. You could get lost in your lover’s eyes and get high on that special scent of aftershave or cologne. Being together transformed the most mundane activity – such as going to Wal-Mart for a pair of scissors – into a deeply rewarding occasion.
When romance comes, there is delight, fantasy, imagination, desire, longing. There is a temporary madness that overtakes us. In many ways love is an act of fantasy where we project all of our hopes and dreams onto another. The body, the mind, and the soul are affected. Our thinking becomes focused completely on the object of our affection. Our emotions go haywire. We get the tingles. And there are huge physiological changes that take place when we fall in love. Some have described it as a love cocktail: Our limbic system is flooded with a powerful chemical concoction that causes an altered state of consciousness. There are increased levels of dopamine in the brain associated with euphoria. There’s an excessive production, in men and in women, of natural amphetamine and testosterone. This biological part of romance is powerful. We nod to Charles Darwin on this week of his 200th birthday, saying, perhaps this is what insures the preservation of the species.
So, let’s go on to Act 2. Let’s assume this love lasts. Over time it flourishes and grows and blossoms and the couple becomes engaged and wed and pretty soon they’re off on the adventure of marriage.
We believe that marriage is created by God as the vessel intended to hold the love between a man and a woman. The traditional wedding service describes marriage’s purpose in this way:
God gave us marriage that husband and wife may help and comfort each other, living faithfully together in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health.
God gave us marriage for the full expression of the love between a man and a woman.
God gave us marriage for the well-being of human society, for the ordering of family life, for the birth and nurture of children.
God gave us marriage as a holy mystery in which a man and a woman are joined together, and become one, even as Christ is one with the church. In marriage, husband and wife are called to a new way of life, created, ordered, and blessed by God.
This is a threefold covenant between the bride, the groom, and Almighty God.
It is sacred and holy and should never be entered into for the wrong reasons.
Yet, the statistics are sobering. In the United States half of all marriages end in divorce. No one expects that when they set out, but the challenges are enormous and the work is tough and many don’t make it. We know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. We know that 30% of all marriages consist of a kind of emotional divorce, where the partners at best “settle” and at worst “endure.” That means 20% of all marriages result in the kind of love and mutual fulfillment that God intends for us.
Here are the ten most common, most dangerous, stumbling blocks, The Toxic Ten:
Simply put, you have to figure out who you are before you can figure out who we are.
According to Wikipedia (which knows everything) the average age for first marriage for men is 27. 25 for women. This has been inching up over the last few years and that’s a good trend. The odds for success in marriage increase dramatically the older a couple is.
For every year you add there is a significant increase in the possibility of success – measured both in terms of longevity and satisfaction.
Those most vulnerable to divorce are the ones who have had a brief and fiery romance.
The Romantic Stage of love, with all of those physiological changes we talked about, lasts no longer than about a year and a half. By the end of that time the hormone levels are back to normal and so it’s important to wait until then before deciding on marriage. Because then you feel differently. And that is deeply troubling to some. I thought I would always feel the way I did when we were dating. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, or with us. Maybe I made a mistake. No, the Love Cocktail has run its course and now you are moving from the Romantic Stage of Love to the Commitment Stage. When I get a couple in pre-marital who have known each other for less than a year all kinds of red flags go up for me and I do everything I can to slow them down.
It’s true that opposites attract. It’s even truer that the more alike the couple is the better chance they’ll have – similar backgrounds, families, cultures, interests, hobbies, churches, everything.
Trust with the big things – like personal safety and sexual fidelity. But also with the little things like can you trust him to stop on the way home from work and pick up a loaf of bread like he said he would. It’s so vital to have that sense of reliability and trustworthiness. How do you build trust? It’s very simple. Three steps. First, say
what you’re going to do. Second, do it. Third, repeat steps one and two.
Some discussion around these is inevitable. When there’s significant conflict it’s going to be tough to make it.
If you expect it to be perfect, you’re in trouble. If you expect to always feel the same way, you’re in trouble. When we fall in love we project all of our hopes and dreams onto our beloved. It’s impossible for them to meet all of those. Inevitably, there will be disappointment. So, you’d better learn how to deal with disappointment and talk about it, and make the necessary changes. This is where the real marriage begins. Now you can put aside the fantasy and begin to deal with the reality. That’s a good thing.
Lasting love is multi-dimensional. Heart, mind, body, soul, and strength. There’s friendship and companionship, there’s closeness and intimacy, there’s sexuality, there’s mutuality simple enjoyment of each other and respect for each other. All of these are vital.
Diane Sollee of SmartMarriages writes:
The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. Research has found that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve.
Successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions. The divorce courts have it all wrong. "Irreconcilable differences" – like a bad knee or a chronic back – not a reason to divorce. Instead, they are part of every good marriage. Successful couples learn to dance in spite of their differences.
When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don't promise to stay the same! And we can’t! As the marriage grows the couple goes through stage after stage after stage, each one very different from the last. So, you’d better learn how to be flexible. And you better have the skills to welcome and integrate change all along the way. Or else you’ll grow apart. Here’s what’s crucial – the secret to a lasting and fulfilling marriage is the ability to fall in love again and again with your partner.
Act 3 If you haven’t left during the intermission, here’s what’s necessary according to our faith.
These things we Christians believe to be necessary to preserve a great marriage:
St. Exupery said: Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction. Love is not about finding your soul mate and then gazing into his or her eyes forever. That’s the kind of love that causes an inevitable implosion. Love means looking together in the same direction. And for Christians, it means looking at the God revealed in Jesus Christ. This God is the focus and the strength.
Some days I come home exhausted and depleted and not worth much, and on those days Deb picks things up and holds the marriage together. Some days she comes home exhausted and depleted and not worth much, and on those days I pick things up and hold the marriage together. Trouble is, some days we both come home exhausted and depleted and not worth anything at all and on those days we have to rely upon God to hold us together. Put God at the center of your life. Put the Lord Jesus Christ at the center of your family. Keep this spiritual anchor at the heart of your marriage.
Colossians 3:12-14:
As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Do the hard work to fill the space between you with the Christian graces: acceptance, forgiveness, grace, kindness, humility.
Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, be subject to your husbands. Husbands, love your wives. (Ephesians 5:21) I don’t know how you hear and understand these words. I hear and understand them this way: For marriage to work, there must be mutual love, mutual respect, mutual honoring, mutual sacrifice, mutual submission.
Love has to be permanent, and equal. It’s mutual. And it’s total. You must empty yourself every day and give at least the 50% required of each partner.
I close with this quote from Bill and Lynne Hybels’ book, Fit to Be Tied. It seems to sum it all up pretty well:
Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. They will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and patience and courage and understanding. They will have said, “I’m sorry” too many times to remember. They will have been stretched to the breaking point often enough to have learned that, unless Christ is at the center of both their lives, the odds for achieving marital satisfaction are very, very low.
Go in peace. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.